


To Leave

by orphan_account, TeamAlphaQ



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Angst, But fluffy at times, Cutting, Depressed Orihara Izaya, F/M, It's all just an extended metaphor tbh, Izaya stop being so sad, M/M, Multiple Suicide Attempts, My angel takes after me in terms of angstyness so you've been warned, Protective Shizuo, Shizuo is confused, Suicidal!Izaya, Suicide Attempt, Written by my angel, hurt!Izaya
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-02
Updated: 2018-04-18
Packaged: 2019-01-08 04:26:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 10,868
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12246969
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account, https://archiveofourown.org/users/TeamAlphaQ/pseuds/TeamAlphaQ
Summary: Leave.Hasn't he heard that word before?But never, Izaya reflects as the blade glides over his wrist like a twisted sonnet, in that tired tone of voice. So maybe Shizuo really meant it this time. Maybe he really will leave.After all, why not?Entirely EmmieCG's story, I am but a humble beta who wants to show off my angel's writing~





	1. Vanish

**Author's Note:**

> Q: Well hello there, wonderful people of the interwebs~
> 
> Okay, so my angel recently decided to write a Shizaya fanfiction and oh my god, it's pure gold. I've been given the honor of betaing it and posting it here. I do hope everyone loves it. Again, it's not mine, it belongs to EmmieCG but we're coauthors because I did help beta (and she insisted, she's wonderful)
> 
> That being said, Enjoy~

Pain.

It stings as Izaya runs the blade of his knife over his ivory skin, it really does. It’s the sparks that fly from the fire, just close enough to sear. It’s the unexpected prick of a needle when you forget what you’re doing. It’s the moment after the paper glides over skin just before the blood makes itself known.

But how could he even begin to compare this to the pain of everything else?

It’s not even the constant abuse he subjects himself to, not the bitter cries of his precious humans. Hate after all is such a childish emotion. Better to love, better to stay surrounded by others even when they cry and say he’s a demon. Izaya can handle hate, because it means they care.

It means that someone is still around to think about him. To remember the shadow Izaya Orihara leaves on the world.

He doesn’t know exactly how he ended up in this alleyway in Ikebukuro, only that today was the day that his one constant had left him for good.

_ “Why can’t you just fucking leave Izaya?” the blond said, turning away from the raven haired informant. No derogatory names that Izaya almost saw as endearing. No feral yell. Just a question. “Why d’ya have to make everyone else’s life shitty, huh?” An honest question, not even an insult.  _

_ “I’m fucking done with your crap, I’m not going to fight you anymore, just leave me alone.” _

Of course Shizu-chan hadn’t known the effect those words would have, Izaya would never let his mask fall so carelessly like that. It was the only thing between him and that dread loneliness that crept up in the night like a ghost. Instead he had smirked at the beast, laughed as he always did, and taken his words to heart.

_ Just like he always did.  _

However, that still doesn’t explain what he’s doing in Ikebukuro. Seems a little out of place, considering the trek across the Toshima district it takes to get there. Nevertheless, Izaya digs the knife deeper into his wrist, watching the crimson color spread across his pale skin as he does so. It’s mesmerizing to examine the way the blood blooms from the incision. Of course he’s seen it before, watched his humans do similar, but there’s something about one's own blood that is simply  _ enchanting. _

He rakes the blade over his wrist several more times, each cut as precise as the words that tumbled out of the blond’s mouth were not. And why are those moments even an issue? Soon the edges of his vision are turning silver, then fading out to black. A miriad, and then nothing.

“I-Izaya?”

Well, that was unexpected. 

Izaya hadn’t planned for the beast to show up like this. Then again, he never does. So uncontrollable, so unpredictably opportune, the protozoan never fails to surprise him.

“Ah, Shizu-chan.” Drip drip come the words, just like the smack of the blood on the pavement. Precise, just like Izaya’s always been. “I’m a little busy at the moment so if you don’t mind~” Izaya purrs, a familiar smirk supplanting the blank stare on his face.

“Wha― Fuck, why are your wrists covered in blood?” Such primal and instinctual reactions such as these are what humanity as a whole has lost, Izaya reflects.

At the words, Izaya starts to laugh quietly.

“Oh Shizu-chan, it’s always taken you so long to grasp new concepts.” A hiss, a flash of teeth. “Can’t you see that I’m simply doing what you told me to do?” Izaya doesn’t look away from Shizuo, but his blade touches his skin again regardless. Metal against skin, not exactly the punch he’s used to but the kiss of the knife is a sweeter melody than the skidding screech of asphalt against feet.

Reflexively, Shizuo drops down besides the thin informant, forcing Izaya’s hand away from his bloodied wrist. Such a show of humanity doesn’t suit the beast hulking above him. At this moment, Izaya’s mask slips a little as he struggles to escape Shizuo’s inhuman strength.

Like a last ditch attempt, the remanence of a stubbornness Izaya’s never been able to shake, he lightly lilts, “So indecisive Shizu-chan, in the wild, hesitation like this will get you killed.” And silhouetted by the darkness Izaya’s vision has become, he really does look like a wild beast. Ikebukuro is his concrete jungle and Shizuo is the tiger stalking through its plaster and mortar trunks.

“This wasn’t what I meant,” Shizuo growls, keeping a firm grasp on his wrists. Distantly, Izaya fantasizes that the monster is debating whether to break them. “I would never…” His voice trails off as the words he doesn’t know how to say lodge in his throat.

“Stop dithering you beast,” Izaya murmurs as the words slip from him like the crimson slips between Shizuo’s fingers. “Crush me like the bug I am, go on, do it.” But he’s not sure he wants to be brought down like this, if he’s going to be right about Shizuo being nothing but a monster, he almost wants to be around to see it. 

Those thoughts, they slip away too, like the aftermath of a broken window. Exposing Izaya at last to those things his masks have kept hidden from him.

Yet still, he says again, “Do it.”

He waits for the end, but it doesn’t come.

Instead, Shizuo lifts the raven haired man up from the ground, taking the knife from Izaya’s numb fingers as he does so. It’s such a token gesture, Izaya almost wants to laugh. Holding him to his chest, Shizuo carries Izaya from the alley as the world continues to go dark.  _ Maybe eyes were just the illusion of sight, _ Izaya thinks vaguely. _ Maybe we’ve never even seen at all. _

“Ne, Shizu-chan, I thought you wanted me to leave?”

Shizuo doesn’t have time to even open his mouth before the world fades from view.

Golden and black, silver and red, like reaching nirvana, Izaya loses his grip on reality.

* * *

 

A beeping sound is what awakens Izaya, the annoying drone of the heart monitor. Izaya silently opens his eyes to find the ceiling of Shinra’s clinic. It’s an admittedly familiar sight.

His wrist is covered in bandages, presumably the work of the underground doctor. Secure yet not too tight, the product of practicing by mending a million injuries just like it. Turning his head slowly, Izaya does as he always would and simply observes.

The room is entirely empty, void of anything that could possibly be used to harm himself. This, of course, was inevitable. With hands that look all too pale in the stillness, Izaya reaches over and turns off the machine. The gentle pulsing tone cuts out, leaving him in utter silence. 

No one comes running. Why would they? Izaya’s never been worth even that. 

Carefully, exactly, Izaya removes the IV from his arm, swipes at the bead of blood that forms in its absence. No longer connected to him, the remaining fluids drip onto the floor, puddling there silently. It reminds him of something.

Following his current trajectory, he peels the various wires from himself. The motions are almost robotic, he’s done this too many times to count. Each wire that returns to dangling limply like some sort of demented testament to Izaya’s mental state is another chain the man is freed from.

Soon, he’s disconnected. Izaya feels weightless.

He’s wearing some of the hospital clothes Shinra usually provides, his own clothing currently covered in blood no doubt. When he swings his legs out of bed, the loose outfit flutters around him. There is no draft, yet they’re caught by the most minute of currents. Maybe the passage of time leaves a jet stream.

_Perhaps I am a ghost and this is my hell,_ he muses from within the confines of his mind. What a fitting fate, he thinks flatly, even his own internal dialogue sounding empty. Creeping over to the door, he attempts to open it only to find it locked from the outside. Only someone like Shinra who dealt with criminals daily would think to do something like this. Without anything to pick the lock with, Izaya’s effectively trapped.  
Effectively, but not technically.

There is one thing Shinra had forgotten, one way that Izaya can hurt himself. Like the self-destructive thing that he is, Izaya carefully unwraps the white cloth covering his wrist, letting it fall to the floor in gentle rings. It puddles there, bright white on blotchy ivory. Red dots like rose petals breaking up the monotony.

Examining the neatly stitched sutures, a familiar weave the Raven knows well, Izaya runs his finger along the stitches. A gentle caress, heralding the torrential storm. Lips twist upwards before Izaya’s roughly raking his nails down and against them, causing the deep cuts to open up again. It’s a fitting mutiny against such oppressive surroundings, a slap in the face of what this was meant to accomplish.

Involuntarily, Izaya sharply inhales as the stitches tear, causing vibrant red to once again spread from his wrist. The sound is the first to break the stillness. A proverbial pin drop in the deepest of catacombs. 

Izaya flinches at it.

How Shizu-chan heard him, Izaya has no clue. He just knows that the moment he makes that barest of noises, he receives a crashing sound which echoes throughout the building, followed by a slew of angry curses. Each are punctuated by another thundering footfall. Within moments, Shizuo comes barreling into the room.

For a moment, Izaya reflects on the simple, raw emotion that Shizuo never bothers to hide. Though like Izaya’s carefully constructed expressions, this wildness is as much of a mask as anything. Izaya can’t decipher it, he can only drag from it fragmented pieces of things he understands. Anger, rage, incredulity, disbelief, desperation,  _ agony. _

Shizuo’s eyes are immediately drawn to the blood on Izaya’s arm. Like he’d known what was coming but didn’t want to believe it all the same.

“Shit― The hell are you doing, ripping out your stitches like that?”

Funny, to Izaya’s well tuned ears, it almost sounds like he’s concerned. Maybe, if Izaya stops breathing so he can hear Shizuo’s breaths instead, he’ll pick up on that slight, telling tremor. The man almost  _ looks  _ like he’s worried too as lines appear between his eyebrows. If Izaya just falls to the floor and stares up at the monster, will he be able to understand?

Shizuo rushes to the spot where Izaya collapses, just quickly enough to lower him to the ground gently. Its oddly skilled of the beast to manage something so coordinated. Perhaps not so neatly, he re-wraps the bandages Izaya so meticulously unfurled as he tries to stop the bleeding and call Shinra at the same time. 

Said doctor goes white when he sees that Izaya’s opened his wounds again.

“Izaya! How―But―Izaya, you have to stop this! You can’t keep being this destructive, just stop struggling alright.” The doctor works much more quickly than Shizuo, even taking his panicked state into consideration. Neatly fixing the damage Izaya has caused to the best of his ability, Shirna sits back and looks at Izaya like his heart is breaking.

Almost too quiet to hear, Izaya whispers two words. Two words that only Shizuo hears before Izaya loses the desire to speak at all.

_ “Why not?” _


	2. Shatter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Why not?  
> Shizuo's never been able to answer questions like that, not when he's staring at Izaya's blood dripping over the white tile floor like it's all just inevitable.  
> Maybe, Shizuo thinks, it's because Izaya's too self destructive to do anything else.  
> But how can a mere monster save a god?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Q: WOOOH! YES! Another chapter betaed. Goodness, this story is so good, I waste far too much time just rereading it because AHHH
> 
> But I digress, as usual. 
> 
> As always, all credit goes to the wonderful EmmieCG, it's just my honor to be able to post it
> 
> Enjoy~!

_ “Why not?” _

Shit.

_ Shit. _

Shizuo doesn’t know how to answer that. Hell, he doesn’t even know if the question is directed at him or at Shinra.

Even if he wants to answer, he never did have the same eloquence with speaking as the Flea. He’s not some poet, he’s just an idiot as Izaya is so quick to remind him.

Lying there, face motionless and emotionless, Izaya’s just so fragile looking, like you could shatter him with a mere touch. Shizuo doesn’t want to be the one to hurt him. Has no desire to watch that serene face twist in pain. He  _ can’t _ hurt Izaya again, not after what he’s already done. 

Shizuo isn’t cruel, he’s not heartless. He can’t keep smashing what’s already been broken.

It was his fault anyways.

“Izaya…” His words fall off his tongue but there they stop. What he wants to say, it’s unable to be expressed in any way that might not damage the already broken man. Even if they were okay to be spoken, Shizuo’s not sure his strength could help him push them out.

Izaya isn’t supposed to be like this, he’s supposed to be above the world, untouched by the petty affairs of the humans he so loves. Shizuo knows this, believes it despite himself. Though he watches the man wallow in the worst of humanity, it all rolls off. Like water dripping from a waxy leaf. He’s always just kept smiling, ever manic, ever uncontainable.

Yet, he wasn’t untouchable, Shizuo realizes, staring at the broken pieces of what was once Ikebukuro’s god. Izaya’s been losing pieces here and there, splitting apart at the seems, slipping until he finally realized he had fallen a lot time ago. This, Shizuo knows, is his fault.

Izaya’s arm is still covered in blood. The crimson stains the floor beneath him like Shizuo used to dream of it staining the pavement. The underground doctor is frantically trying to stem the blood flow, but Izaya tore his flesh by ripping out his stitches and it’s apparently difficult to patch it up.

Shizuo doesn’t know what he’s looking at. He’s only a bodyguard after all, he’s not a doctor, he doesn’t know how to mend flesh. He only knows how to wrend it. But how is he supposed to react when the injury is one Izaya’s caused himself? Those aren’t meant to be there, there’s something fundamentally wrong about their existence.

They leave Shizuo angry. At what, he doesn’t even know.

After what feels like ages, the cuts are finally closed back up. Shinra sits back and lets out a soft sigh, one that’s nothing short of helpless. Izaya still hasn’t moved. If it hurts, he doesn’t say, he just stares at the ceiling in silent contemplation. A watchful lookout keeping vigil, no matter what the costs.

Shirna sighs and makes motions to attempt moving Izaya back to the bed. Like it’s a kneejerk reaction, Shizuo moves first. Lifting the Raven shouldn’t be so easy, he shouldn’t weigh so little. There’s a lot of things, that shouldn’t be happening. Shizuo hates that he can’t seem to put names to them.

“Shizuo-kun, if you want to go now, that’s okay.” Shinra’s voice is shakier than usual. He’s trying for a smile but it keeps falling short. “He needs to be watched but I can handle it.”

But Shizuo doesn’t leave at the doctor's behest. If Izaya can kill himself just by tearing out some stitches, if he can’t be left alone, then Shizuo’s  _ not _ going to leave him alone. He doesn’t care that Shinra’s saying he’ll stay, it’s not the same. It’s almost like there’s something inside him commanding him to make sure Izaya doesn’t just vanish on him. So he stands there and stares at Shinra, silent and unyielding.

“Shizuo-kun, please…” Except Shinra’s exhausted and it’s clear that he doesn’t really want to stay. If Shizuo is willing, who is the doctor to refuse?

At long last, Shinra decides it’s safe to leave him with Izaya, after all, he hasn’t done anything to hurt the flea yet. And the underground doctor has always been trusting. So he leaves, shutting the door behind him. He doesn’t lock it, but the fact that he closes it means he knows Shizuo isn’t going to try anything.

Shizuo's glad for that. He’s not even sure why he deserves it but he’s willing to take it.

Slowly, with joints that don’t move quite right, Shizuo walks to the single chair in the corner and sits. This is his task, he knows, this is his penance. Sitting here in this sterile, white chair and waiting for any signs of Izaya trying to hurt himself. 

As he keeps his silent watch, a quiet voice reaches his ears. “Shizu-chan…” The raven haired informant looks across the room at the blond with pained red eyes. Shizuo doesn’t like the way those pieces of Izaya grate together, making it look like his eyes are too bright. 

“Why won’t you just let me leave?” Izaya’s voice cracks as he tries to hide pain behind a shattered mask. Shizuo never thought he’d be so easily fooled by a mask until he realizes he’s watching it break away, leaving something new behind.

This is Izaya, but it’s all wrong.

“Why does everyone get to leave me,” he asks in that same broken voice, like for once he genuinely doesn’t know. “Except, when I want to do the same thing, you all try to stop me?” Shit, Shizuo doesn’t know how to answer that. It sounds like something, Shizuo thinks vaguely, a therapist should be dealing with.

“Fucking hell Flea, you can’t just-” But Shizuo doesn’t know how to continue, the words in his head won’t seem to string together in any way that makes sense. He’s not a fucking genius, if Izaya doesn’t get it then how should he be able to? Shizuo wishes he could answer, but in the end, he can’t.

Maybe Izaya’s not the only one breaking apart, Shizuo feels one step from shattering as well.

“But it hurts so much Shizuo...“ Shizuo’s eyes widened, he couldn’t remember the last time he had heard the raven say his name. He opened his mouth to respond, but was cut off as silent shudders started to wrack Izaya’s body. It was like watching a silent movie. Shizuo could see the heart wrenching emotion but all he could hear was the sound of silence. 

“I just want it to stop,” Izaya begged weakly. “I just want it to…to-” Glassy tears dappled the bedsheets as the he let all the pain seep out from underneath the mask he usually hid it behind. It was so uncharacteristic, so terrifying, it was like something in Shizuo’s brain simply short-circuited.

And maybe that’s what made him move, but neither Shizuo nor Izaya would ever really know.

Quite suddenly, Izaya felt himself surrounded by strong, immovable warmth. A large hand was on the back of his head, pressing it into the crook of a warm shoulder. The other was at his back, supporting his weight entirely like it was no big deal. It wasn’t, Izaya felt like a feather to Shizuo. Only then did he realize what he was doing, fully comprehend that he was cradling Izaya in his arms gently, not with the intent to harm, but with the wish to heal.

Izaya froze at the blond’s touch as Shizuo ran his hand through the raven’s hair, softly trying to quiet his pain.

“It’s going to be okay, I’m not going to leave you.”

Warmth surrounded Izaya, the smell of day old cigarettes, strawberries and steel reaching his nose. The smell of the city, but Izaya knew it only as the smell of Shizuo. It felt oddly comfortable, like a fire on a cold day that you hadn’t seen coming.

The arms around him were firm, yet ever so gentle. Izaya didn’t know what to make of it, the only thing those hands had ever done was hurt. But he wasn’t being crushed, he was being cradled. It shocked him.

Izaya Orihara, who saw all and knew all, was left floored by the only thing alive that had ever been able to surprise him.

_ “It’s going to be okay, I’m not going to leave you.” _

Those words were something he had never expected from the beast. Not the monster of Ikebukuro, the one Izaya made a point of antagonizing daily. Him of all people should hate Izaya the most. All Izaya’s ever done is hurt him, prod at him until he explodes. 

And yet, in that sickeningly honest voice of his, Shizuo had said those words as clear as day. Part of him tried to believe it, but at the back of his head a cruel voice continued to push Izaya down. Shoving him back into the safety of the cages he’s constructed around himself.

_ He will leave, _ his mind hissed in that insipid and familiar tone. _ No one would ever stay with someone like you. No one would want to. _

He tried to block out the voice, but as he sat frozen in the beast’s arms he felt himself unconsciously draw up another mask, one of calculation and cruelty. One remembered from his childhood, where closeness had only ever meant pain.

“Shizu-chan, I didn’t know you were the hugging type~” he cooed quietly, extricating himself from the blond’s arms too easily. A familiar smirk dragged itself onto his lips as he watched Shizuo recoil backwards, a faint flush shading his cheeks as if he had only just realized what he was doing. It was so  _ easy _ to do this to Shizuo, Izaya didn’t even have to think. He’d  _ never _ had to think about it.

Izaya had always let himself drive the beast away, hatred has always been so much easier than the alternative. It had been something he understood, a familiar and twisted expression that adorned the faces of most who looked at him. Shizuo had always reacted to this perfectly, hating Izaya just as he should.

It should have still worked.

He half expected Shizuo to leave, fed up with him. Throw his hands in the air and let Izaya do what he wished. Yet, stubborn as the beast always had been, he remained. Stared at Izaya with a look in his golden eyes that shouldn’t have been there. Instead of leaving, or throwing something too massive for a normal human to carry,  he just watched Izaya.

Finally, almost in resignation, he grabbed for the only other chair in the room and dragged it closer to Izaya’s bed. That, Izaya reflected, wasn’t the way this was supposed to go. Shizuo was supposed to get angry, he was supposed to throw something. He was supposed to just leave like he had before. But all he did was sit there with his hands relaxed in front of him and his back straight.

He looked like a statue. A idyllic form cut out of marble, only slightly weathered by age. The thin lattice of scars that decorated his hands and his arms, each a testament to why he should be leaving, not sitting there, watching Izaya like he wanted to speak but couldn’t remember how. 

“Izaya, I…” His words caught in his throat as he tried to say what was clearly on his mind yet only ended up offering another incomplete sentence. Izaya didn’t want to mock him for it because he knew why Shizuo didn’t know what to say, could see each emotion that raced past his eyes, but he opened his mouth regardless.

“Wow Shizu-chan, I always knew you were a protozoan who didn’t have two brain cells to rub together but this has reached new levels; before you were at least able to construct sentences, ne?” With his cutting tongue, he continued to push the blond away, attempting to trigger his rage or disdain. Anything that would make sense to him.

_ Where is my monster, the force of sheer anger I’ve always known?  _ He felt like he was losing something precious to him and it didn’t make sense because Shizuo still hadn’t moved an inch. Izaya’s mask however, it kept slipping, like he was destined to be something pathetic and weak.

“Izaya, it won’t do shit if you try and make me mad,” Shizuo growled, the fire there but without the rage. “All that’ll end with is something else broken and me having to deal with Shinra’s shit. ” This made Izaya’s mask drop further, continuing to crack like he’d only ever been a hollow shell. 

Shizuo had never been able to control his rage before, he had  _ always _ flown off the handle at Izaya’s taunting remarks. Izaya was used to that, used to his own carefully crafted lyrics to the familiar dance that slipped under Shizuo’s skin and boiled the man’s blood. He could almost see how it would happen now, Shizuo lunging forward and pinning Izaya to the wall by his throat. Calloused, rough fingers, tightening around pale, ivory skin as Shizuo crushed the life right out of him. Izaya wouldn’t even fight back.

But he  _ didn’t _ and Izaya’s mind kept failing to understand this most basic observation. “You can’t push me away anymore,” Shizuo told him, his eyes calm, the waters within them still and placid. “Not now that I’ve seen what you would do to yourself if left alone.” It was those words that did it, broke yet another mask. He couldn’t find any enjoyment in this, he was crumbling, caving in on himself.

But even as it shattered, a new one rose in its place. Izaya’s smirk warped into a passive smile. Even stuck in his own mind like he was, Izaya fought back against those who would let him out of his cage.

_ Shizu-chan, you always were so unpredictable, uncontrollable like the beast that you are. _

And yet a mere monster was enough to destroy a god.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THE ANGST IS KILLING ME!!! 
> 
> As the beta, I demand she write more!
> 
> *dreamily* My angel is perfect~


	3. Nothingness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To save a god.  
> Izaya's never had to be saved before because he's not weak and he's not powerless, he's a deity that's better than all and above all, separated from humanity like a plague victim is separated from society.  
> He's not a god, Izaya realizes. He's only ever been the real monster.  
> So why won't Shizuo just leave?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I'll admit, this one's on me folks. My wonderful angel had this done days ago, I just was too lazy to edit it. 
> 
> *sits in the corner of shame* 
> 
> Despite its lateness though, enjoy~

_“You can’t push me away anymore, not now that I’ve seen what you would do alone.”_

The words flowed from Shizuo’s mouth like a promise, a vow. They came out like something that he wasn’t thinking through, something instinctive. Just like everything he did.  The beast probably didn’t even understand what he was saying, yet there was so much conviction, it killed Izaya inside.

At his words, Izaya’s smirk melted into a passive expression, like he was shutting down that much further.. The edges of his mouth were barely turning up into a twisted smile as what he supposed were his final shields came up and Izaya’s sick mind took control.

“Ne Shizu-chan?” Izaya’s voice was barely a whisper, just the faintest rustling of breeze through the scorched remains left by a forest fire. “How is it you always sound so honest when you can’t possibly be telling the truth?”

Izaya said it maliciously, but as he stared at the twisting face of Shizuo, he understood there was no malice behind it. His voice was empty, steady, but void of any convenient emotion.

There were no more tears. Izaya didn’t think he had any left. There were no more cracks in his mask because for once, it didn’t feel like a mask. For a moment, he was almost able to delude himself that this was because he’d found a perfect shield against Shizuo’s words. Then the terrifying realization sunk in. Izaya didn’t have anymore masks and this wasn’t just a front.

Because they were all broken, shattered beyond repair. It didn’t feel like a mask because it wasn’t. There wasn’t anymore hiding or pretending or lies or superiority.

Only a dying raven casting a sad melody of self hate.

Izaya believed his own words so entirely, because they were the only truth left in the bleakness of the world. Everything else was a siren’s song, honeyed lies that promised something sweet that he could never have. Even though he usually would have thought that the beast didn’t have enough brain power to lie, it was the only possibility at this point.

How could anyone ever stay for someone as vile as him? He had nothing to offer, no benefits to dangle like bait. It was just him and he was disgusting.

“Izaya, I’m not lying,” Shizuo insisted, his words hitting Izaya as powerfully as the man could hit with his superhuman strength. Izaya felt a laugh bubble up from his chest but it was nothing but a death rattle. Sides aching, he clutched at his ribs as a desperate and maniacal gleam lit his red eyes.

“Ah Shizu-chan, you see, that’s the _thing_ about lies! You can _never_ be sure when something is one!” It all tumbled from his mouth in an insightful mess, one Izaya couldn't control. “Someone could just as easily lie about themselves lying as they did with their initial statement!” His words were a complete illustration of the dreadful truth about lies but it wasn’t objective, it had his fingerprints all over it. Izaya's statements were dangerous and self incriminating.

His smile wasn't the smile he used to use when he taunted Shizuo. It wasn’t an expression a grounded, normal person could have even pretended to make. It was the unhinged and grotesque grin of a madman that had finally lost all will to live. Shizuo seemed frozen by it. But then, of course he would be. He’d never seen Izaya―nor anyone probably―act like this before. His brain didn't seem to even know how to process it. Though in truth, no one ever did.

“Izaya…” His eyes flooded with pain. Izaya couldn't comprehend why the thought that he wasn't trusted by his _enemy_ hurt Shizuo. Of _course_ he couldn't trust him! When had Shizuo ever given the Raven a reason to? When had the fortissimo of Ikebukuro ever cared about the twisted informant that lurked in the dark? When had the brightness that lit the streets ever even bothered to understand the dark corners that refused to be illuminated?

Who in their right mind would want to save the filth they’d been trying to get rid it of for years? No, Shizuo had never given Izaya a single speck of a reason to trust him, and yet why did he have to look so devastated as he watched the once god-like presence crumble?

Izaya, of course, panicked. He had no way to cope with any of this, not with the beast caring, not with the pain in his golden eyes as he watched the Raven fall apart, not with the clawing emptiness in his own chest. Izaya had only ever understood Shizuo through two lenses; the violent beast that chased him, and a protozoan incapable of basic intellect. Never had he seen him as concerned, controlled, or understanding. It was something completely and utterly new, a piece of knowledge with no anchor in any of the information he had  stored in his endless mind.

He didn’t know how to deal with the painful calm of Shizuo’s eyes, nor with the way his eyebrows furrowed in concern. And yet, as Shizuo looked at him with that heartbreaking expression of complete comprehension, Izaya was forced to speak once more.

“Shizuo, I don’t deserve your time,” Izaya whispered, finally giving in to everything and letting the _truth_ of what he was seeing sink in. “I don’t deserve _anyone’s_ concern, least of all yours. I'm a monster.” If he could only cast aside all of the useless emotions and complicated thoughts swirling in his head, he could fall into nothingness where he didn’t need to think anymore. “You were never the monster Shizu-chan, I just couldn't bear to be monstrous alone.” If only life were so kind as to let him fade away, things would be so much simpler.

“To hell with what you deserve Izaya,” Shizuo growled, his voice shifting to a beastlike snarl. “To hell with you being a monster! You think I _care_ what you deserve? D’you think the world cares about what you are?”

_No, it never has before._

Though Shizuo’s words were obviously intended to make Izaya feel better, if only a little bit, all they succeed in doing was making more gray fog flit through the endless abyss.

_It’s always me, isn’t it? No matter what happens all I seem to do is make things worse. I'm an appalling creature that's clawed it's way out of the shadows on the twisted spines of those I've destroyed. Nothing but a wretched scar on the otherwise beautiful thing that is humanity._

Of course, Izaya had always called himself a god. Why shouldn’t he? He was powerful and terrible and just. But in the end, all that it became was another mask to hide the ugly convolutions of his soul.  How could he call himself that now that all his masks had broken? How could he delude himself now that all the lies he had told himself were reduced to ashes, born aloft by mere wisps of smoke? _No, all I have ever been is a leach. A parasite, the machinations of a dying light that has never done anything deserving of adoration during the stint of its pathetic existence._

_I am nothing but the embodiment of the damned._

Shizuo watched in alarm as Izaya’s expression morphed into dread while the words Shizuo could never hear nor bear to comprehend clearly flooded the Raven’s mind.

_Shit, that wasn’t supposed to happen._

_Why do I have to mess up with everything I say? I’m not some shitty therapist for fuck’s sake! How can I help him when all I do is make things worse?_

Shizuo was dragged away from his own thoughts by the familiar crunch and screech of metal being destroyed. He glanced down at his hands and his eyes widened at the sight of his calloused digits rolled into white knuckled fists. _Oh…_ Those emotions flooding him still had been enough to infuriate him. In his subconscious bout of rage, the metal under his fingers had suffered. The white-washed aluminum and steel was nothing but twisted remains, nothing but a crushed shape fitting his grip.

Shizuo had always had suffered from anger issues, especially when it concerned the flea. It was why they called him a monster instead of just a beast as he’d been labeled before. The world was terrified of him, he was the blind justice that swept through the streets, crushing all that tipped his ire.

Despite all this, here was Izaya, telling him that _he_ was in fact the monster, all while sitting in a hospital bed that he’d found his way into by his own hand. How could something like the Raven be monstrous when Shizuo couldn’t even control his own subconscious?

And now Izaya was looking at him with a faint expression of fear on his face, evidently having been drawn from his own abyss by the same noise as Shizuo and damnit, Shizuo _hated_ that all he did was scare and destroy! This was his fault and all he could do was make it worse.

Yet still he stayed, because in the end, he was more selfish that Izaya could ever be.

As dark thoughts continue to pass through his mind as he looked over at the crushed metal of the chair Shizuo had been gripping, Izaya’s mind stuttered to a halt for a moment. Fear slipped into the cracks, spreading like a cancer when there was nothing to stop its growth. It was so like every other time Izaya had been close to Shizuo that there was no difference, it was rage and it was pain and it was the call to _run_ when he could hardly sit upright in bed.

.Shizuo was looking down at his hands in surprise, but through the smoky filter of Izaya’s mind, all he saw was a beast one step from crushing him.

Of all the things in the world that one might fear, Izaya was actually afraid of very few. He’d made peace with the childish fears, dealt with the teenage aches and moved past the adult worries but he wasn’t as perfect as he wished he could be. There were things that even he couldn’t predict, things that there was no visible end to. Izaya didn’t fear torture, he didn’t fear rape or any type of physical pain, he was afraid of abandonment but by the same token, he could understand it. He didn’t fear others because he could destroy them and he didn’t fear the dark corners because he knew what was in them but he did fear one thing.

He feared death. And in the absence of other fears, ones that can be overcome, he was left with only one, impenetrable wall of _nothingness_. It was the fear that seeped from him like smoke from a burning room and it was the fear that finally burned his masks until there was nothing more than charred fragments of paper. For the briefest moment of time Shizuo had given him the twisted strength to overcome that fear and yet the beast put it back just as easily.

At one moment, he had fallen so deep into the stygian blackness that he wished for nothing more than to at last stop breathing but it wasn’t that simple. Like the infestation that swells again after you’re sure it’s gone for good, the fear crept right back in. He wanted it all to stop but this fear overwhelmed him and suddenly, there was no more room for dying by his own hand because he was facing a much more primordial force than his own empty soul.

Right then he was facing Shizuo and all he could see was is a tiger one vicious strike from snuffing out the ultimately fragile light that was Izaya Orihara.

It terrified him.

Like a snake that knew it had been beat, Izaya recoiled back from Shizuo, trying to put as much distance between himself and the beast as possible. But there was no room, nowhere to run to when he was trapped like an animal in a cage. The rails on the side of the hospital bed dug into his back, the knobs of his spine standing out against the cold metal like little flairs of pain. _My cage, my grave, my last will and testament to the cowardly creature I’ve always been._

Shizuo released the chair and reached for him, but all Izaya saw was an attack.  _I'm not fast enough, I'm not ready for this._ His body twisted nonetheless, trying to evade Shizuo's grasp like it was poison. All he'd ever known from those hands was pain, why was this any different? Where there was rage, there would be blood, and with him in this state, it was bound to be his own.

The world was covered in a thick blanket, one that smothered but could not kill entirely. Everything was smoke and shadows as the edges frayed and the world started to fall apart. Izaya struggled to free himself of the bed, even as Shizuo told him to stop. But he couldn't make out the words anymore. All Izaya heard was the beating of his heart and a heavy pounding in his head as he struggled to breathe.  _I'm panicking, I'm hyperventilating._

No, he could do this, he could stay in control.

He needed to escape.

Frantically, his eyes flickered around for a way to get out, glancing from the chair the beast had crushed to the closed white door. He didn’t recall Shinra having locked it when he left, and as the pieces of his nightmare fell into the neat little groves the fear left behind, his muscles coiled and he sprung. Vaulting over the side of the hospital bed, ignoring the screaming of his body, Izaya darted away from Shizuo as the man lunged at him.  _Don't look, don't listen, you don't have time, you have to get out!_

Looping around Shizuo, Izaya wrenched the white door open and tripped over his own feet as the sounds of people shouting around him got louder. But he was up in an instant, lashing out at the first thing that tried to stop him like some cornered animal. His fist connected and the stitches in his abused wrist screamed. _Who cares, run._ And what could he do but obey? Twisting out of the arms that tried to capture him, Izaya darted through the warped landscape of his very own hell till he made it to the front door. He wrenched the handle open, racing down the hall and out into the streets he knew so well.

The sky was splattered with silver light, the darkness of the night only magnified by Izaya’s fear. What had he become, what had his mind turned him into? Nothing more than a frightened animal.

He registered the slam of a door and a moment later familiar pounding footsteps push him into action once more. The beast had followed him, the inhuman roar of the monster calling out his name sounding like nothing less than the roar of the tiger. There was no time to stop, there was no time to reorient himself, all Izaya could do was bolt the other way.

Down the street, into a side street, threading between buildings and around drunks, Izaya's feet were sure, even while his mind rebelled. He couldn't think but it wasn't thought anymore, it was just pure instinct. Ever footfall, every beat of his heart, it bounced off the walls of his mind till they created a cacophonous and unholy din. The burning in his lungs demanded he stop but every time he thought of it, all he could hear were Shizuo's feral roars and he kept running.

 _He's yelling something, but I can't understand._ Then again, when had he ever  _really_ understood? 

Izaya's mad running didn’t stop until he came face to face with the corrugated metal of a steel wall. Somewhere, caught up in the clouded darkness of his mind, he had inevitably taken a wrong turn. Now he'd found himself backed against the dead end of an alleyway.

Trapped.

_Trapped. I’m trapped. I can’t escape._

As the beast closed in Izaya felt his legs give away. The next moment he vaguely registered the way his back hit cold metal before slowly sliding down it, catching on the rivets and welding marks as he did so. His head dropped, bowed before the might of a monster he could never hope to best in this state, or in any other.

_Do it, end the monster that turned you into the dreaded horror you have become._

But then there was a crunch of old pavement. Shizuo crouched down in front of the raven-haired man, and ever so gently lifted Izaya’s chin with his fingertips.

“Izaya, I’m not going to hurt you,” his voice was quiet. Izaya’s system flooded with terror but a moment later, it was overshadowed by something bigger.. Shizuo’s words only faintly registered in Izaya’s mind, like a distant candlelight trying to lead him from the darkness. Unconsciously, he clung to that presence.

Tears found their way into Izaya’s eyes as the world finally came into focus. Like the veil had been lifted, Izaya could see the beast looking at him with a mixture of fear and deep sadness in his golden eyes. Those expressions, so foreign, a tune that had been all but forgotten. Yet it resonated and it did something to him that Izaya couldn't begin to put into words.

Almost as if searching for warmth, for the safety he felt before, Izaya’s body moved on its own. He let himself fall upon Shizuo’s chest, allowed himself to let go of everything and just… Cry. To Shizuo, this wouldn't make him weak, it wouldn't make him somehow less. No, Izaya had never been weak. He had always been just as strong as Shizuo, if not stronger by necessity.

And Izaya _knew_ though he had no reason to believe it was so, that Shizuo understood the Raven had been forced to be strong for far too long.

In this moment, Izaya was allowed to fall apart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
> 
> Words can not express how I feel about this.


	4. Falling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Izaya fit his world into certain boxes, and those boxes let him understand humanity though he can never be a part of it.  
> A chase leaves Izaya and Shizuo with emotions neither understand.  
> When everything he knows is changed, Izaya's world breaks.

**Emmie: What is this?!! I’m alive? I’m really sorry I haven’t updated in so long, I had this almost done a while ago but I didn’t go through and edit it and so it took way too long to finish it. But I’ve finally finished it, and I’m sorry that it’s a little shorter than usual but because I haven’t been able to reach Q in a while this’ll probably be the average length because she tends to not only make the quality of the writing better but she also makes it a bit longer. On a separate note, I don’t know if any of you guys like** **_Yuri on Ice!!!_ ** **but if you guys do I’m currently in the planning of a fic for that fandom. Anyways, this chapter is way overdue but hopefully you guys like it.**

Warmth radiated from Shizuo as he gently stroked the Raven’s hair. Izaya was icy against his touch, although it wasn’t surprising considering the fact that Izaya had not only lost a lot of blood that day, but he was also sitting on the cold ground of an alleyway at night in October… In a hospital gown nonetheless. 

If not for the mess of thoughts and emotions he was left to deal with, Shizuo might have laughed at the ridiculousness of the whole thing. As things were he let Izaya cry against his chest as he breathed in the scent of the informant. He had always said the flea smelt shitty―almost out of habit―but as he inhaled the smell of coffee and iron Shizuo had to admit to himself; it wasn’t bad. Izaya was still shaking, and after a moment Shizuo realized it wasn’t because of tears anymore. Shizuo felt a small laugh bubble up in his throat as the shivering informant snuggled closer to the endless warmth Shizuo provided.

Easily lifting the smaller man, Shizuo started the walk back through the alleyways to Shinra’s place. The man was much lighter than he should have been, and Shizuo couldn’t help but think of how small the Raven had looked, completely alone in the world.  _ What happened to his sisters? The people he worked with? How could no one notice what was happening with him? How did I not notice?  _ Shizuo tried to shake his head of these words, but as he looked down at the flea they came rushing back. When they arrived back at Shinra’s the underground doctor was pacing quickly and the dullahan was nowhere to be seen. The doctor breathed a sigh of relief and quickly texted Celty as he saw the raven. She returned as Shinra looked over Izaya for new injuries. Once the doctor had finished, Shizuo went to take his post beside Izaya’s bed again. A hand wrapped around his arm before he could sit, and as he looked back at the underground doctor he let himself be pulled out into the main room.

“Shizuo, I need to talk to you about Izaya,” Shinra stated, stiffly sitting down next to the black rider.

“What? Did...did he hurt himself during our chase?!!” Shizuo’s mind immediately flew to the worst possibility, remembering how small and frail he had looked. “Fu―”

“No―It’s not that,” Shinra cut Shizuo off before he could continue, “It’s just… Izaya is physically fit enough to return to his apartment, if not mentally. Now, Celty and I could keep him here, but he requested that he be able to go home. I’m not comfortable with him being left alone, as both his friend and doctor…” Shinra paused, taking a deep breath before continuing. “I need you to stay with him Shizuo, at least until he stops trying to... “ Though his sentence trails off, the unspoken words linger in the air.

Shizuo is caught slightly off guard by the doctor’s request. “What the fuck Shinra? Why me?” His brows knit together in confusion as his mind processes the idea. “I would think you would be worried about me killing him or something… How the fuck am I supposed to help him?” Celty rapidly types something on to her PDA, answering Shizuo before the blond can continue.

_ ‘Shizuo, you’ve stopped him from doing something plausibly fatal three times now. Each time you somehow managed to handle the situation without killing him, and that was just you acting on your own.’  _ She flashes the screen to Shizuo, barely giving him enough time to read it before typing up a new line of text.  _ ‘You’re not going to hurt him Shizuo, otherwise we wouldn’t ask.’  _ This shut Shizuo up for a moment, before he quietly replied.

“Does Izaya know?”

Izaya pulls his freshly washed coat closer to his thin frame. Shinra was finally going to let him go back to his own apartment, but from the way the doctor was acting Izaya couldn’t help but wonder.  _ Shinra… what are you keeping from me? _

“Hey flea.” A warm voice tears the raven from his thoughts. Shizuo carefully settles himself back down in the slightly crushed chair, his movements gentle as if trying not to scare a skittish animal. Izaya glances up to acknowledge of the beast, but keeps his lips sealed. Out of the corner of his eye Izaya sees Shizuo tug at his collar nervously, “Listen―” Shizuo’s words seem to get caught in his throat Izaya glances back over at him hollowly. The blonde cleared his throat, not looking at Izaya. Izaya muses over this small behavior in the darkness of his mind, coming to a solemn conclusion.

_ Of course he doesn’t want to see me, why would he? After all, nothing’s changed between us. _

“Shinra says you can’t go back to your apartment alone.” Shizuo’s words fall from his lips almost too quickly for Izaya to distinguish them as separate. Shizuo takes a deep breath as the pieces fall together in Izaya’s mind.

“Shinra is sending you with me, isn’t he?” His voice sounds so resigned, so empty as it floats from his body.

“Y-yes…” They sit in silence, neither saying a thing. Finally, after what feels like an eternity Izaya quietly asks the question that had been circling through his head.

“Do you agree with Shinra?” Izaya looks over into Shizuo’s golden irises with a small feeling of hope, too overshadowed by the feelings of dread to distinguish.

“ I… I agree that you need someone with you…” Shizuo trails off as he tugs his collar again. “I just don’t want to scare you by doing something wrong again.”

“Ne, Shizu-chan? Do you think you can hurt me?” Izaya watches curiously as the beast nods his head silently.

“I don’t want to hurt you any more then I have already…” Shizuo says, his gaze falling to the white floor.  

“Mmmmm…” Izaya muses over this, letting the blonde’s warm words wash over him.  _ Well this complicates things.  _ Izaya tries to fit Shizuo’s words into the little boxes he had in his mind, the ones through which he makes sense of the beast. It’s almost like trying to fit a cube through a round hole, like the toy infants always found so frustrating. He leans back against the bed, running through everything in his mind.  _ Shizuo told me to leave. I tried to do what he said. He came and stopped me. I’m still alive. I ran away. He brought me back. He’s coming with me. He doesn’t want to hurt me. He’s lying… He has to be. Nothing has changed between us.  _ Izaya’s thoughts circle through his head like a broken recording, repeating as every unspoken syllable sinks into his mind. He holds onto each event, analyzing each one until he feels he grasps it. 

“Okay.” He soaks in the silence, blocking out the bright light with closed eyes. Quietly, he asks for the confirmation he needs for everything to make sense. “Ne, Shizuo? Do you hate me?” He holds his breath as he waits for the biting words he expects.

“I―I don’t know anymore.”

“Ah…” Izaya watches from the throne of his mind as everything he knows shatters into fragmented words, the thoughts and experiences he held onto so tightly crushed by the blonde’s sentence. His world breaks with four words.


	5. Broken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dreams reveal our true selves. Our true fears. Everything we hide away is visible in our nightmares.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Emmie: So yes, this is short. I promised the next chapter would be longer, but I really want to update and this is an important chapter for us to see Izaya’s state of mind and it really wouldn’t make sense for it to be any longer because of the pacing and everything, but here it is~

Izaya’s falling. Or maybe floating, he really isn’t sure anymore. The ground has melted away into nothingness. The world is gone. Shizuo is gone.

_ Shizu-chan. _ Izaya wonders where his beast is. He wonders where  _ he  _ is. All he knows is emptiness. He remembers the cold feeling of concrete, the material that makes up Ikebukuro.  _ His  _ place.  _ Shizuo’s  _ place. As the thought pops into his head, Izaya feels himself hit something. Not in a painful way, no, more like falling onto a soft bed after a long day. Izaya brushes his fingers lightly over the new surface, the cogs in his mind whirring as he tries to identify it. 

_ Cold. Rough. _

Izaya rolls over on his back, trailing his eyes over the alleyway that had somehow manifested. There is corrugated metal behind him, a dead end. He brings himself to his feet, and he almost falls again. Reaching out for the brick wall, Izaya tries to blink the blackness from the edges of his vision. Every inch he moves hurts, a sharp pain with every step. Fire. Ice. Everything at once, it burns and yet he feels so cold.  _ Shizu-chan. _ He keeps walking, willing the light at the end of the alley to come closer. For the open streets of Ikebukuro to be closer. So he can find his beast. Though the end of the street was so far away, Izaya only requires one more step to make it there. He almost questions it, but settles on researching it later. After all, he needs to find his beast. Needs to taunt the blond. Needs to be acknowledged.

The streets that normally hold so much life are empty. Not a single noise echoes through the concrete jungle.  _ Where are my humans? Where could they have all vanished to? _ The only thing breaking the monotony is a familiar van parked on the curb several meters away from the raven. Izaya takes a few steps, before breaking into what might as well be a run. His soles snap on the oddly pristine concrete, waves of shock traveling up his legs.  _ I shouldn’t be…shouldn’t be so weak.  _ The passing thought nearly causes Izaya to pause, red flags jumping up in every aspect of this strange existence. Nearly. Izaya moves to rap his knuckles on the door of the van, the one painted with some manga character, and taps several times in quick succession. The door slides open immediately, and a smirk spreads across Izaya’s features.  _ Finally. _

Kadota is looking back into the van as he steps outside, his focus on the pair of otakus speaking with him.

“Come on Dotachin! You have to drive us there,” Erika whines, holding up one of the books from her endless collection of manga. “How else are we supposed to get the second book of the  _ Mō Shiranai  _ series?” Izaya can barely see the edge of the cover, which shows a street sign, but apart from that he can’t tell what it might be about. He’s never heard the name before, but all the same it feels familiar.

“No Erika, I don’t. You can take the metro like anyone else.” Kadota steps his other leg down, moving back from the vehicle. He takes a few quick steps back, to let the other two out, and walks right into Izaya. Or, he should have walked into Izaya.

Izaya’s eyes grow wide as he watches the image of Kadota break apart in wispy tendrils, moving right past the raven. Izaya whips around to watch the larger man come back together until no evidence of the weird reaction remained.

“Dota―Dotachin?” Izaya stampers, his smirk melting away as he reaches his hand forward. His fingers just barely brush the fabric of the Kadota’s shirt, not even enough to feel the material, before the former blue square bursts apart. Smoke rises into the sky, dark vapor disappearing into the air. Izaya trips over his feet as he tries to move away, his heart racing. Smoke envelops him, and he watches in shock as Ikebukuro breaks apart.

A beast. Coming closer and closer, they stop only once they are close enough to be unobscured by the smoke.

“Why can’t you just fucking leave Izaya?” Shizuo looks down on Izaya with complete apathy. No hate, no annoyance. Just… nothing. It hurts. It hurts so much, burning and tearing away at his chest until he wishes he could be alone just so that nobody could see how much this hurts him. His wish is granted, and Shizuo disappears with the rest of the smoke. Izaya is left alone in darkness. 

Smoke continues to spiral around him, the ground beneath him becomes splattered as tears streak his face. And then red. _ So much red _ . Blood blossoms from under him, the ringing in his ears growing louder. His chest feels like it’s being torn apart, stabbed by a million blades end yet he can’t die. He wishes he could die. Izaya chokes on a sob, red streaking down his face with the tears.  _ It hurts...It hurts so much.  _ The thoughts are pounding against his head, echoing louder and louder with each second.

_ Monster. _

Izaya can’t handle it, he claws at his heart in an attempt to stop it. His hands come away clean, but he can feel the blood.  _ So much blood. _ He tears at his chest, nails digging into his skin to no avail. He rakes down his arms, red streaking his pale skin only to vanish in seconds.

“PLEASE...Please...please... _ please… _ ” Izaya’s yells melt into what could barely be considered a whisper, too quiet, to pained. He is reduced to incoherent mumbling, doubling over on himself as he is burned from the inside out. His pleas are reduced to breaths in the still air, the world painted red with an endless supply of blood.  _ It hurts… _ He almost hears a voice calling his name, but it’s drowned out by thoughts too loud and too painful. He is alone in the nothingness. Nothingness. Nothing. He is nothing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Emmie: Also, a quick note. Each section represents a part of dear Shizu-chan’s words, “I don’t know anymore.” And in the “I” section the manga’s title dream Erika mentions translates to “Don’t know anymore.”


	6. Voices

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Izaya is pulled back from nothingness, but he's skittish, and unstable. He has a million voices pounding on his head, and all they seem to want is to pull him back. He just wants them to shut up.

**Emmie: I LIVE!!!! Hi, and sorry about the extended hiatus. I was super busy with school and Cheerleading, and I didn’t really have any time to write. But I’m determined to not only release this, but to release another chapter by May 4th for Izaya’s birthday. Hope this will make up for everything!**

Shizuo’s heart stops as he watches Izaya’s eyes go dull.

“I―Izaya?” Shizuo reaches forward, his finger’s barely brushing icy skin. A shiver runs down his spine, and he holds his breath in anticipation. Izaya doesn’t respond. His heart begins to race, and he glances back to the open door. “Shinra….SHINRA!” There’s fear in his call, and as the underground doctor comes racing into the room Shizuo lets go of a breath. Surely, the doctor will know what to do. As Shinra frantically looks over the frozen informant, Shizuo recalls what they had been talking about.

_ “Ne, Shizuo? Do you hate me?”  _

_ “I―I don’t know anymore.” _

It was at that moment that Izaya’s light went out. Shizuo started to connect the dots, and he realized his words had been the raven’s undoing. Just like always.

“―zuo-kun, Shizuo-kun!” Shizuo was pulled from his thoughts by Shinra’s voice. Snapping his eyes up, Shizuo relaxed his whitening knuckles. “What happened?” Shinra asked, glancing back at the unresponsive informant.

"I just....I just answered his question.... He asked if I hate him." The words go back and forth in his mind, and Shizuo can't seem to piece them together in ways that make sense. There's a look of horror on Shinra's face.

"You didn't tell him that you hate him, did you?" Shinra sounds as though he hopes Shizuo didn't. He didn't.

"I told him I don't know." Shizuo looks back at Izaya and sharply inhales as he spots tears falling from the informant's eyes. Suddenly, Izaya moves. He rakes his nails down his porcelain skin, leaving red streaks. A sob tears from his throat and Shizuo launches himself forward to pin his arms down.

"Izaya-kun!" Shinra reaches to shake the informant gently, but it's as if he can't see them.

"Izaya―IZAYA!!!" Shizuo roars, desperate to call him back to reality. He repeats the other's name like a mantra, hoping if he says it enough that it will bring him back. Finally, as his voice becomes barely a whisper Shizuo gives up. "I'm sorry....I'm sorry....please Izaya...."

_ "Shizuo...." _

The blond's eyes tear away from the floor when a quiet voice tears through the silence.

"Izaya?" Shizuo searches the raven's face for a sign of waking, for anything to let him know that Izaya is conscious. His eyes are still dull, but Shizuo was certain that he had heard the informant's voice. Or maybe he's going crazy, he honestly wouldn't put it past himself at this point. The rest of his world was.

"Shizuo....please don't go...." The voice is louder, and as Shizuo hears it he moves to sit closer. He's certain this time, there's no way he could have imagined it this time.

"Izaya? Can you hear me?" Shizuo responds quietly, touching Izaya's icy skin as softly as he can. For a moment it doesn't seem as though Izaya is going to respond, but before Shizuo can turn away Izaya looks up.

His eyes are full of fear, but as soon as he sees Shizuo he lets go of his breath. "Shizuo...." Before Shizuo knows what's happening Izaya's arms are wrapped around the taller man, his head buried in Shizuo's chest. "you....you were gone...." the blond can barely hear Izaya's quiet voice, but to him each word is clear. "....were gone and everyone....and everyone was gone....Shizuo...." Izaya goes back and forth, muttering as though unaware of what he is saying. Suddenly, the smaller man realizes what he's doing and he pulls away, looking at himself in disgust.

"Monster....leech....nothing...." Izaya mumbles to himself, clawing at his arms. Shizuo's eyes grow wide at the eyes that aren't directed at him. "SHUT UP!" Izaya slams his palms over his ears, snapping his eyes shut with a face of pain.

"Iza....Izaya?" Izaya somehow hears Shizuo’s voice through his hands, and looks at the blond with confusion.

“Shizu-chan? What are you―” before he can finish his sentence Izaya flinches away, covering his ears once more. “ _ shut up… _ .shut up….SHUT UP!” Shizuo grabs Izaya’s wrists, pulling his hands away gently.

“Izaya….Calm down.” Shizuo slipped his hands down from Izaya’s wrists, instead weaving his fingers in with the smaller man’s own. Looking down at their intertwined hands, his own ivory skin against Shizuo’s slightly darker digits, Izaya takes a deep breath. “It’s okay….just breathe.” Shizuo murmured absentmindedly, running his thumb along the back of Izaya’s hand. The sensation reanimated Izaya slightly, and he snapped his gaze up again.

“Shizuo….” Izaya turned their hands over, the tips of his ears turning faintly pink. Before Shizuo could ponder this, there was a loud crash and a surprised shout from the hallway.

“Mairu-chan! Wait, you can’t―careful!” There’s another crash before the door to the room is thrown open, revealing Izaya’s younger sisters.

“Iza-nii! We came as soon as we could!” Mairu exclaimed, launching herself at Izaya. Her sister followed more quietly.

“Worried.” Kururi stood still beside her siblings, still in her gym clothes from school.

“We were so scared when we heard what had happened, of course we only heard a minute ago but still―”

“Mairu-chan, Kururi-chan! Give him some space, he only just woke up!” Shinra came to a stop at the door frame, faintly panting from where he had apparently sprinted across the house. Shizuo turned his gaze back to the raven, his eyes growing wide as he watches Izaya’s face morph into one of dread.

“Why didn’t you tell us Iza-nii?” Izaya flinches slightly as the question leaves Mairu’s mouth, and he can feel the onslaught of voices coming before they start.

_ Why didn’t you? You would have hurt them, but you hurt them anyways so what does it matter? _

_ Parasite, monster. You hurt those around you, it’s all you are capable of. Everyone would be better off if you were to leave, then they could stop worrying about you. _

_ All you do is hurt. Hurt. HURT. Just stop. Stop. _

Izaya clamps his hands over his ear again, screwing his face up in one of pain.

“ _ Shut _ up!”

The yell catches everyone off guard, and Mairu flinches away.

“I―Iza-nii?”

Izaya looks at his younger sisters, his pupils blown up and his breathing heavy. “Mairu? Kururi?” He jumped as he felt a hand on the small of his back, and looking over to see Shizuo gently trying to calm him.

“Izaya.”

Flinching, Izaya tried to block out the voices threatening to drag him away again. Although they grew quieter, they weren’t totally gone. They never were. Izaya took a deep breath, and tried to calm himself.

_ Monster. _

“Iza-nii?”

_ Parasite. _

“Izaya-kun….”

_ Worthless. _

**I’ve often wondered what Izaya would be like if he were to snap. This is just one take, but I’m already getting excited about writing this new occurrence. In case you’re wondering, what Izaya is going through is a bit of disassociation, where all the masks he kept in place and all of what he used to hide and all of the ideas he had are becoming intermingled and indifferentiable. It’s like being shouted at by a million people at once. However, Shizu-chan is going to do his best to help~**


End file.
